I Hate Recipes

Look, ok? I don’t want to make anything with more than like 5 ingredients, and I don’t want it to take more than 10 minutes, and I don’t want to spend another hour cleaning up my kitchen afterward. I also don’t want to spend 80 million dollars buying random ingredients, none of which can be used in other recipes, that are all going to rot in my fridge.

I need to eat healthier but omg I hate cooking. I just need like, salads and cereal. Pre-made salads, because what do I look like, some kind of farmer? An Amish person? How am I on the internet then??

I’m not making my own salads.

The Food Story

Since I mentioned this earlier I want to write it down before I forget.

I have an extreme fear of eating in front of other people. I know it’s totally irrational but I can’t help it. I’m okay as long as I’m with someone I know and trust who is also eating (I won’t eat in front of someone I trust if they’re not eating though). I can’t eat in the work break room because I don’t know any of them yet. I eat in my car or go for a walk.

So I’m volunteering at the suicide prevention center and I had to go to a training class. I had a drink from McDonalds and it was more than half full when I got there. I knew if I left it in my car it would be all warm and gross when I got out, but I was terrified to take it in. People would look at me. Perhaps the teacher would make me get up and throw it out, which would be even worse.

I literally sat in my car for 5 minutes, debating my options. Finally, I decided fuck it, I would bring it inside. I held it down low by my legs as I walked in. People looked at me weird because I was holding it weird, so I tried to carry it normally (except I don’t know how people carry drinks normally in public because I never do it). My actions felt mechanical as I walked down the hallway.

And then I got to the class and at least 20 other people had drinks, and I wondered why the hell I spend so much time worrying about dumb shit. I still set my drink on the floor instead of the desk because I didn’t want anyone to actually watch me drink it.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

Social Anxiety: Baby Shower Edition

I started a new job, and we had a mandatory baby shower for someone who works there. We closed the office to have it, and it was in the middle of the day so I couldn’t pretend like I had something else to do. I didn’t get a present because 1). I don’t think I should be financially punished because you got knocked up, and 2). I didn’t even know this was happening!!! I am panicking as we enter the break room.

Baby showers combine three things I cannot do: talking to strangers, eating in front of people (this one is huge, I have another story on this one alone) and babies. This lady already had her baby, and she brought it. Everyone was pissing themselves over how cute it was. And even if you think babies are cute, trust me when I say that this one was not.

So we’re eating, and I’m staring at my phone as if I have some REALLY important texts (I don’t). Someone asks me a question and I respond with a joke. Everyone laughs and I return to my phone. I don’t even remember what was said, but it was dumb. I am dumb, and everyone knows it.

The baby is passed around. I am praying that they don’t ask me to hold it. I would rather hold 14 snakes, 5 tarantulas, a pile of nails and a peeled lemon all at the same time. When it gets to me, I “accidentally” drop something under the table and literally go under the table to get it. I wonder why I didn’t just hide under the table the entire time.

The baby passes me, time passes, and I am back at my desk. I made it. I am okay for now. The holiday party is December 19th, so I can start panicking for that in a few weeks.

Here are photos from their website if you don’t believe me:

This is what you get in the “Asian Ornaments” section

This is what you get in the “Native American” section.

In fact, if you search “girl” or “boy” or “person”, the only one I found that was not white was Dora the Explorer. Maybe they have a few disney characters or something but I didn’t search for those and also you shouldn’t have to find a cartoon character just to find an ornament that your family can relate to.

I went to a Christmas store today

(and yes, they stress that it’s a CHRISTmas store and NOT a holiday store) and it’s the largest store of its kind in the United States. I was meeting someone there in the parking lot and I had time to kill, so I went inside to look around.

There is a section of “ornaments around the world” and I was looking through it. Africa, India, Thailand, etc and I’m looking at these…..and I’m noticing….all of the characters are white. The dancer from India, the martial arts ornament from Japan….all white. Blond, blue eyed.

I mean….this is just insane, right? Is it not? If you’re actually Japanese I’m assuming you would want an ornament to at least somewhat resemble you? If you’re a white person and you’re buying Japanese ornaments, I’m assuming you have some reason for doing so (you’ve been to Japan, you’re banging a Japanese person, you lived there)….and you would somehow not be ok with the Japanese character actually being Japanese?? What is this?

I didn’t know that even ornaments could be racist. As a white person I think maybe I just don’t see it sometimes? I don’t know but this is ridiculous. I’m going to contact the store tomorrow and ask why they only carry white people stuff and where they get their ornaments. I’ll let you know what happens.

One Fun Thing

I like to do when I’m drunk is leave my browser windows open so I can see what I googled the next day. Today’s menu:

"Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Know About the Illuminati"
“Facebook”
“Which Psychological Complex Do I Have?”
“Sharks”
“Aspirin and Rimadyl?”

So, yeah. No closing thoughts.

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