Who would have thought that after all the terrible nights when you shoved me against the wall and walked out, and I still didn’t leave, and the lies you spread about me after I left, and how I had to change my phone number twice and you still found me, and blocked you from my email and facebook, yet there was still a part of me that was scared I would always allow you into my life in one way or another, because how could I not? How do you rid your body of the cancer that spreads to every cell and becomes who you are? Who would have thought that I would eventually forget all about you, the tear drops long dry, evaporated to another cloud and rained down on a life unaffected by your demons and anger. Who would guess that you would not be a passing thought in my mind, a mind now free of wondering if I am good enough, and realizing I will never be good enough for you.

Who would guess that, years later, you have created a new facebook and sent me a friend request, as if everything is resolved though time, as if I am still waiting on the floor for you to get home. You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to push “not now” when you aren’t afraid anymore.

I got this ad in my email and….that bag? Isn’t that the book that Brian wrote on Family Guy? I can’t tell if this is serious or a joke. I really hope it’s a joke that everyone is in on and understands.

I saw Joan Rivers live a few years ago, at Milwaukee Pride Fest. It was in the middle of the summer and she wore a floor-length fur coat dyed in rainbow colors. At the age of probably 77 or 78, she ran up and down the stage, in the middle of summer, in a rainbow coat and heels, swearing her brains out and talking about bad sex. It is my sincere hope that this is pretty much exactly what I’ll be doing at the age of 77. RIP Ms. Rivers.

I Hate Recipes

Look, ok? I don’t want to make anything with more than like 5 ingredients, and I don’t want it to take more than 10 minutes, and I don’t want to spend another hour cleaning up my kitchen afterward. I also don’t want to spend 80 million dollars buying random ingredients, none of which can be used in other recipes, that are all going to rot in my fridge.

I need to eat healthier but omg I hate cooking. I just need like, salads and cereal. Pre-made salads, because what do I look like, some kind of farmer? An Amish person? How am I on the internet then??

I’m not making my own salads.

The Food Story

Since I mentioned this earlier I want to write it down before I forget.

I have an extreme fear of eating in front of other people. I know it’s totally irrational but I can’t help it. I’m okay as long as I’m with someone I know and trust who is also eating (I won’t eat in front of someone I trust if they’re not eating though). I can’t eat in the work break room because I don’t know any of them yet. I eat in my car or go for a walk.

So I’m volunteering at the suicide prevention center and I had to go to a training class. I had a drink from McDonalds and it was more than half full when I got there. I knew if I left it in my car it would be all warm and gross when I got out, but I was terrified to take it in. People would look at me. Perhaps the teacher would make me get up and throw it out, which would be even worse.

I literally sat in my car for 5 minutes, debating my options. Finally, I decided fuck it, I would bring it inside. I held it down low by my legs as I walked in. People looked at me weird because I was holding it weird, so I tried to carry it normally (except I don’t know how people carry drinks normally in public because I never do it). My actions felt mechanical as I walked down the hallway.

And then I got to the class and at least 20 other people had drinks, and I wondered why the hell I spend so much time worrying about dumb shit. I still set my drink on the floor instead of the desk because I didn’t want anyone to actually watch me drink it.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

Social Anxiety: Baby Shower Edition

I started a new job, and we had a mandatory baby shower for someone who works there. We closed the office to have it, and it was in the middle of the day so I couldn’t pretend like I had something else to do. I didn’t get a present because 1). I don’t think I should be financially punished because you got knocked up, and 2). I didn’t even know this was happening!!! I am panicking as we enter the break room.

Baby showers combine three things I cannot do: talking to strangers, eating in front of people (this one is huge, I have another story on this one alone) and babies. This lady already had her baby, and she brought it. Everyone was pissing themselves over how cute it was. And even if you think babies are cute, trust me when I say that this one was not.

So we’re eating, and I’m staring at my phone as if I have some REALLY important texts (I don’t). Someone asks me a question and I respond with a joke. Everyone laughs and I return to my phone. I don’t even remember what was said, but it was dumb. I am dumb, and everyone knows it.

The baby is passed around. I am praying that they don’t ask me to hold it. I would rather hold 14 snakes, 5 tarantulas, a pile of nails and a peeled lemon all at the same time. When it gets to me, I “accidentally” drop something under the table and literally go under the table to get it. I wonder why I didn’t just hide under the table the entire time.

The baby passes me, time passes, and I am back at my desk. I made it. I am okay for now. The holiday party is December 19th, so I can start panicking for that in a few weeks.

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