My rabbit died this morning, peacefully on a blanket in the back yard. I mean…I guess it was peaceful. I don’t know how it feels, or maybe I do but forgot. I sat out on the ground with her for an hour, got up and went in the house for 10 minutes, came back and she was gone.

It was a tumor in her face, and she was too old for surgery. We tried everything else we could but there was nothing left. I chose not to put her to sleep because she still played, ran around the house, and stole chocolate out of my purse. She was happy. Until last night, when she looked a little tired. And this morning, at around 7:30, when she left.

Some people wouldn’t care about a rabbit, but she was like a dog to me and I had her for 10 years, so it’s pretty significant. Her absence is very real and raw and constant. She is not here. The house looks the same, and I feel like it shouldn’t. Shouldn’t there be a hole in the floor or the wall? Shouldn’t something be broken? Shouldn’t a rabbit who lived 14 years live at least another 14?

When you have a pet, you kind of delude yourself into thinking they’ll always be there. You imagine your future: moving away, getting married, going to grad school, whatever, and you always picture them there. How can you imagine life without them? And then they leave and you have to erase future photos and memories because they did not really exist.

Rest in peace Cray. I hope you had a good life. You will be missed.

Why is it that every time a butterfly lands on me, I am filled with wonder and awe at the magic that exists in the world; and every time a moth lands on me, I scream as if the devil is trying to rip my soul out of my lungs?

I used to talk endless shit about Michigan and how much I hated it and couldn’t wait to leave, but I’m trying to be more positive and now realize that there are many things I love about this state. Summer and Fall are amazing, and if you’ve never been to Mackinac Island or the Upper Peninsula, put that on your bucket list because seriously. It’s beautiful. We have great thunderstorms, our houses are nicely spaced with great back yards, housing is affordable (borderline insanely cheap but it’s coming back now) and the people are friendly.

Don’t get me wrong, the roads suck ass and I hate winter more than I hate anything else in the world, but right now it’s 75 degrees outside and sunny and I’m happy right where I am.

So.

I can add “getting bit in the face by a foster dog” to my list of things I’ve done this summer.

It seriously wasn’t my fault. I keep making excuses for his behavior but I mean…I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve contacted every dog behaviorist in the area and heard back from one, who eventually stopped responding. So I’m just going to contact them all again.

I’m not going to shed very many tears when this dog gets adopted. I just need to get him some therapy or some weed or something. I’m going to do absolutely everything I can for him, but I’m not really his biggest fan right now.

I don’t think I need stitches but I’m going to be rocking the “I swear these scabs around my lip aren’t herpes” look this summer.

Why I am the Worst, Episode 495

Public bathroom conversations are another case where my social awkwardness/anxiety flares up. I don’t want to talk to people in bathrooms. I want to pee, wash my hands, judge other people who aren’t washing their hands, hate my skin under the UV lighting, plan to have plastic surgery one day, and leave. That’s all. I really can’t handle randos asking me things or telling me things. It’s not that I have anything against randos, but I just can’t.

Today I was at a class and didn’t know anyone. I go into the bathroom and there’s one stall (I hate this. If you only have one stall, just make it a private bathroom with a lock on the outside). So I go in and this other lady follows me.

"Man, that class took forever!" she exclaims.

My heart starts pounding. Oh god. I’m expected to respond, so I chuckle awkwardly and go, “yeah.” <—- This is the extent of what I can contribute to this conversation because I am literally terrified.

"But her story was great though," she continues, "the lady who was speaking about how she got her degree."

"Yeah." Again, this is it. I’m kicking myself, internally screaming at myself, What the hell is wrong with you? If this were one of your friends, you’d be totally fine! Say something!

She goes into the stall and I stand there washing my hands. At this point my heart is exploding. I have no idea what happens now. Do I have to say goodbye? Do I give her my phone number so we can continue the conversation when one of us isn’t peeing? Do I just leave awkwardly? Yes, I do. She probably thought I was rude. I feel bad, as I am not rude. Just incredibly insecure.

They’re starting to do this thing where, if your dog is aggressive, you tie a yellow ribbon on the leash so that other people know not to pet it. I wish there was a color scarf that symbolizes, “You can talk to me if you want, but it will be very awkward and uncomfortable for you. Proceed at your own risk.”

I just love

how dudes are freaking the fuck out over this “hot mugshot” guy that went viral. They love to say things like, “this is why you don’t know who your baby daddies are!” and “you better never complain about getting in an abusive relationship again!”

1). You’re jealous. Let’s just call a spade a spade. No one is ever going to swoon over your mugshot, and we all know it.

2). Men do this ALL THE FUCKING TIME are you kidding me?? How many photos online do you jack off to, having no idea who the chick is? She could be a criminal, you don’t know that. Why is it the one time women proclaim that a guy is visually attractive, men come crawling out of the woodwork and tell them this now gives them the right to claim “you deserve it” if you’re in a bad relationship? What the fuck?

Personally, I think the dude is cute, sure. I can see how women would think that. But do I want to bang him? Marry him? Move him in and introduce him to the family? No. And I doubt every dude wants to marry every chick he thought was hot either, so whatever bro. I don’t feel you deserve to be in an abusive relationship with the women you find attractive, so could you not be a dick and extend us that same courtesy? Thx.

High School Girls

When you get a little older, some of your friends are going to go straight into the marriage/babies route, and they’re going to start selling shit. They’re going to try to sell you sex toys, Mary Kay, or those tacky tote bags with your name sewn on. They’re going to think this is a “career” and they will list it on Facebook as “CEO of Luuuuv being my own boss! Talk to me about starting your OWN career!”

You’ll quickly realize that, although they were once your friends, you are now just a potential customer to them. Their eyes will turn into dollar signs when they look at you (despite the fact that, as a college student who didn’t get married, you have no money). You will repeatedly tell them this, and they will continue to swear up and down that your life is NOTHING until you try their shit product, as if talking about how great it is will suddenly make you have expendable income.

Why am I telling you this? A lot of you are probably sad because school is over and you’ll never see some of your friends again, but I’m here to tell you don’t fret, ladies. Those friends will always be a part of your life, even when you really wish they weren’t.

Sometimes these “budget/DIY” things are dumb.

Budget101
Make your own Delicious Crisp Refrigerator pickles!
You’ll Need:
1 cup white vinegar
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup water
1-2 teaspoons celery seed (I use 2)
1 teaspoon salt
3 cups sliced cucumber
3 small onions, thinly sliced

How the fuck is this cheaper than just buying actual pickles?? And the amount of time you spend making this….like no. I’m sure they’re high quality and whatever but come on. Pickles are like $5 or less, suck it up.

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